Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm afraid...

...that I'll never mend my relationship with my family.

And that in turn my baby will never have a proper relationship with their Grandparents and Aunts.

My father is speaking to me, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he hasn't forgiven me, but that's better than my mother who won't even talk to me.

Some of my best memories growing up were with my grandparents. Easter at my Nana's house where we would have an Easter egg hunt around the pond in back. Riding bikes up and down the canal with my Pa during summer vacation. Going to Disney World with my Gram and Papa.

And I just feel like I've stolen all those experiences from my baby by making the choices I've made in the past few months. How can you feel like a bad mom before you've even had your baby?

I don't want to take that away from my children but I really don't know how to fix it. I can't go back in time and change how I did things. But I feel like they will never forgive me.

I wrote a letter to my mom tonight, now I just have to get the balls to mail it. Once I suck it up and send it I'll call my Dad to tell him. I feel like that might be the most awkward conversation ever.

God damnit I hate how emotional I've been lately. I'm probably so thirsty because I cry so much (which is quite out of character for me) - I'm losing too much fluids in my tears.

Until next time...

PS - this picture was me when I was about 5 years old. It has always been my Mom's favorite picture of me; it was back when I was her pride and joy, her little star...her baby. It was the picture she chose to put in my senior yearbook when she said she was so proud of everything I had accomplished. I wish she could remember those things, not just everything I've done wrong...


  1. :-( I'm sorry that things are stressful you right now. I'm hoping your mom will turn around. I remember when I did some crazy shit and didn't talk to my mother for a year. I finally apologized and now we are okay. Grandbabies make their hearts melt. I'm sure she will turn around. *hugs*

  2. It stinks that things are so stressful. I remember getting into a screaming match with my dad the day after I found out I was pregnant because he was being rude and very short tempered which resulted in me blurting out that I was pregnant!
    But one thing that I have learned is that babies are wonderful at bringing people together. My dad can be in one of his moods after work, but once he sees my son, his face lights up and his mood changes. My mom and I have also been a little closer since I had my son. Hopefully this will be the case for you and your little one can bring you closer with your family.

  3. I'm sorry to read that things aren't good with your family right now...I can imagine pregnancy is a time where you feel like you need your mom more than ever. I have a feeling they will come around, like the other girls said, babies have a wonderful power of bringing people together. Hope that things turn around for you quickly!!


I always love getting some blog love...


Template by | Header Image by Freepik