My Greatest Fear

...is that I'll turn into my Mother.

It's no secret that my Mother is unpredictable, to say the least, and I'm honestly terrified that I will end up being a mother like her.  The fact of the matter is, as horrible is she is when things are bad, she's just as amazing when things are good.  There's just no middle ground with her.  We either aren't speaking or she's showering me with love and gifts.  Exhibit A - my Christmas present from her...

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Yes, that is a Coach purse.  The Madison Quilted Chevron Nylon Sophia Satchel.  It costs $368.  It is a very generous gift, and I love it.  But it's just a reminder of how unpredictable my Mother is since 2 weeks ago we weren't even speaking.

And I know that I am equally emotionally unstable, to be blunt.

My emotional state is about as predictable as the weather.  I may be able to tell you there's a storm coming, but until it's over no one will really be able to say how much snow is gonna fall.  And I'm just hoping that since I know and accept this about myself that I won't turn into her.

I don't want my kids to have to worry "which Mom" they will be dealing with on a day to day basis.  Shit, I don't want anyone to have to worry "which Amanda" they will have to be dealing with, and I've always made a conscious effort to recognize my emotional state and react accordingly to it.

The past few days have been pretty tough for me.  Spending Christmas without any family can mess with your head.  And since I'm a hormonal mess anyway, I've been crying stressing about everything under the sun.  It's Christmas and I'm all alone.  We don't have enough money and babies need so much stuff.  I don't want to become my Mother.  How can I be feeling sorry for myself with The Sailor is stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean?  What if I can't handle a baby and two dogs.  Fuck, what if I can't hand a baby, period.  I feel so fat.  Why the hell am I worrying about what I look like right now, I have way better things to worry about! ...and I could totally keep going, but I'll spare you.  Instead, I'm gonna go continue this pity party on my own with an Italian Ice!

Until next time...

Updates on My Crazy Family!

Okay, so last you heard here's where I stood with my family:

• My Dad and I were getting along great
• My Mom and I weren't talking after her disastrous trip to San Francisco
• I hadn't spoken to my crazy sister Kate since I announced that I had eloped back in August
• My sister Rachael and I were speaking, but not often
• Extended family on my Dad's side are basically just excited for me
• Extended family on my Mom's side are basically just confused

Things with my Dad are still great.  Staying with him was a little weird, honestly, (I hadn't slept at his house since early high school) but it was fine.  Plus, check out how adorable he is; every night he and his dog Amber watch TV like this:

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Now, onto my Mom.  Apparently she has just blocked are little fight out of her mind completely.  No joke.  She brought up the restaurants we went to in San Francisco, asked if I had chosen the stroller she's gonna get for the baby yet, said I needed to call her more often.  It was really weird, honestly, but I'm not going to bring it up just to start a fight with her.  I'm not going to be BFFs with her, but if she wants to ignore the fact that we had a blowout then fine.  Plus, if she still wants to buy the stroller for the baby I'm definitely not going to argue with her - those things are expensive!  And she quite drinking almost two weeks ago now, so maybe things actually will be different this time (she is/was a fully functioning alcoholic; it was a huge problem).

Crazy sister Katelyn chose the same route my Mom did.  She acted as if we're BFFs and she didn't say a whole slew of horrible things to me after I announced that I had eloped.  She kept going on about how excited she was to finally get to hold her nephew, when in reality we had never even spoken about the fact that I'm even pregnant.  But, whatevs, I'm not going to start fighting with her for the sake of fighting!  Plus, she bought The Seamonkey the cutest little outfit from The Children's Place!!!

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It's so tiny and preppy and adorable!  The whole outfit is anchor themed (even the shoes have anchors on them).  I considered exchanging it for a bigger size (it's 0-3 months) but it would be too warm of an outfit for that late.  Right now I'm hoping to get some newborn pictures of my little guy in this outfit, because seriously, it's freaking precious!

My sister Rachael was actually really cold towards me.  That might be because right before I came home we had a lovely conversation that went a little like this:

Rachael - What's you're social security number?

She had just started a new job and was filling out beneficiary information, lol

Me - XXX-XX-XXXX; Do you even know my legal name, lol?

Rachael - You changed it!?

Me - Yeah, Rache, I got married

Rachael - Oh, well, you'll change it back when you get divorced

Me - Fuck you.

::end conversation::

She was 10 when my parents got divorced, so it had a much greater affect on her than it did on me, and on top of that she's a divorce attorney.  So her outlook on the institution of marriage is bleak, to say the least.  You still don't say something like that to someone.  It's just rude.

To say that my extended family members on my Dad's side are excited for me would be a severe understatement.  It was really sweet of them.  But, it's kinda a big deal - I'm having the first great-grandchild in my family!

My Nana and I went out to lunch and she had knit a blanket for The Seamonkey!  She said she's also making him a few more things, but she'll mail them to me later.

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My Pa and his wife Judy really wanted to throw me an actual baby shower, but given the whole situation (running away, eloping, etc.) my Dad and I weren't really sure how his brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) would react so we asked him to tone it down a bit.  It was basically a baby shower without calling it that, lol.

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My Dad and his wife Karen, my sister Katelyn, my sister Rachael and her boyfriend Roger, my Auntie Gail and Uncle Mike, and my Uncle Greg and my cousin Perry all came.

My Auntie Gail (who is my God Mother) and Uncle Mike actually brought a wedding card, a Christmas card, and a baby card for me, lol.  They got us a Baby Gap giftcard and a little baby hat.

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And my Pa and his wife Judy got us a baby blanket and the most adorable musical carousel thing ever.

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And can I just say I'm in love with the carousel thing?  First of all, it's adorable.  Seriously...duckies!  Secondly, it matches my crib, lol, and they didn't even know I had painted my crib yellow.  And finally, it plays "Singing in the Rain."  I love it!

I was supposed to see my Mom's family as well, but my grandfather came down with pancreatitis so our get together was cancelled.  Luckily he's doing okay now, but needless to say I didn't see any of my extended family from my Mom's side.

So overall, things with my family are really good right now ::knocks on wood::. Let's just hope it stays this way!

Until next time...

Guess where I am?

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...Yup - I'm at the airport!  Fresno Yosemite International Airport, to be exact.  Isn't it tiny?  Haha!  But I can't really complain.  I'm lucky that even though we live out in the middle of nowhere there's an airport about a half hour away.  Plus, the inside is actually really nice, they have good wi-fi, and they have fake sequoias in the entrance...

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I'm going home for a week to see my family.  As much as I would have liked to have gone home for actual Christmas, a plane ticket over the holidays would have cost about $1,000.  A plane ticket a few week before was only $275!  Definitely wasn't worth the extra cost.

I'll be staying with my Dad for the next 6 days.  I have never slept in my father's house for more than 2 days, and the last time I did that was in middle school.  Not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous.  I love my Dad, it's his wife who I'm not the biggest fan of.  If she gets on my nerves my plan is to basically tell her to shut up and blame my short tempered-ness on being pregnant, hahaha.

Saturday my Dad's side of the family is getting together.  My grandfather is actually making a pretty big deal about it, which is super sweet.  And he isn't counting this as their Christmas get together, this is just for me.  I feel special!

Then Sunday my Mom is having her side of the family over her house.  In case you forgot, my Mom and I didn't leave on the best terms last month.  In fact, we haven't really been speaking.  She did send me a text message on black Friday that said, "I hope you had a good day yesterday" and sent me another text message the other day that said, "I expect you're still coming on the 11th, everyone is expecting you."  I'm slightly terrified.  But at the same time, if I time it right and get there after everyone else and leave before everyone else I know it'll be fine.  She won't make a scene in front of her Dad and sisters.

So, overall, I'm excited to see everyone but nervous at the same time.  Hopefully everything will go smoothly this time! I'm not gonna lie though, I hate leaving the dogs.  This morning I was trying to explain to them how long I would be gone.  Lola wasn't phased.  Gabby was going nuts since she knows I'm leaving when I get out my suitcase.  It isn't like I worry about them being okay, Navy Wife Kim will be watching them, I just don't like leaving them.  At lease I won't go through total doggy withdrawals though since my Dad has a rottweiler to keep me company!

Until next time...

That Poor Guy...

...and no, I'm not referring to The Sailor.  Who, for what it's worth, is in Dubai right now.  And it's awesome because since they're in port he can actually email back and forth with me, which is basically like texting (since I do the majority of my emailing on my phone) which makes it feel like he's much closer than he actually is!  Before I get into the bulk of this post, I have a sudden urge to show off my sweetie...

 These are some of the jets that The Sailor works on.  In case you didn't know, his technical title is Aviation Structural Mechanic - he's a jet mechanic.  And yes, the jets say "Go Navy, Beat Army" on the wings.  They are painted like that for Army vs. Navy football games...

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Here is a super cool picture of The Sailor working.  At least he claims it's him, he could totally be lying.  But, since he's my hubby, I choose to believe him. (But let's be serious - how could he even know for sure that's him up on the wing??)

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This one is for sure The Sailor working, lol.  I think he's super sexy when he's working...then again at this point I even find the shadow-esque picture of him sexy...

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So anyways, back to the poor guy this post is actually about...my Dad.

He's so darn worried about me being out here by myself.  He gets excited when I say I have plans to do things with other people, haha.  And in all honesty, he's the only member of my direct family that I actually speak to on a regular basis so I end up calling him quite a bit.

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That's my Dad - he hates pictures, and he's a wise ass...

Well, the other day I was chatting on the phone with him and Christmas came up.  I said something along the lines of, "I've been thinking about what I'm going to get myself for Christmas since there really isn't anyone else who will be getting me any presents this year..." and I really didn't mean anything by it.  I wasn't throwing myself a pity party, but seriously who is gonna get me a present other than me?  My husband is on a boat in the middle of the ocean and I'm not speaking to my Mother, lol. He quickly snaps back, "I'll get you a present for Christmas still, Midgie!"

Fun fact, my father calls me "Midgie" which is short for "Midget."  This fact is especially fun since I'm the tallest of his three daughters and almost as tall as him.  At one point, like right after I was born, I was the shortest though...

Then, once we got past that whole thing, I somehow let the words "I've been lonely" slip.  And he instantly goes into protective-Dad-must-fix-everything mode.  Maybe I should plan another trip home (I'm going home in a few weeks to see the fam and celebrate the holidays)...do I want him to convince my crazy sister who I'm not speaking to to apologize to me...he wishes he could afford to take the time off and buy a ticket to come out and visit me...

The thing is, I haven't even really been lonely, per se, since I have made some good friends out here.  I'm just still emotional over my whole family situation.  I'm not speaking to my Mother and there's no hope of that happening any time soon.  I'm not speaking to one of my two sisters and I don't want that to happen any time soon.  Then my other sister pretends to not be super judgemental about my whole life but occasionally starts drilling me about where I'm getting money to pay my bills so I really don't talk to her very much either since I don't feel like being judged like that.

I tried to explain that to my Dad but the damage was already done.  I hope that once he sees me in December he'll realize I'm not a complete hot mess, apart from my constant struggle with pregnancy acne!  Any tips on how to make my Dad worry less, or is it just inevitable since I'm his baby and I up and took off to the other side of the country?

Until next time...

Fight or Flight

First of all, this will be my second time writing this story.  The first time took 2 days and a lot of tears, but I had done it on my phone and then my phone decided to eat that post.  Thanks a lot Blogger for Android, you're freaking awesome.

Due to the fact that I've already brought myself through the emotional roller coaster of telling this story once, this one probably won't be as "good" of a post.  If it feels rushed, I apologize, I just don't know how deep I can dig to write this all over again.

I've struggled with mental/emotional issues my whole life.  Depending which doctor you talk to, there are about a billion different diagnosis that you may hear, the most popular being bipolar disorder, depression, or borderline personality disorder.  But every single one of them would tell you I have severe generalized anxiety disorder and I'm even lucky enough to have a history of panic attacks.

It wasn't until recently (like, past year recently) that I was able to discover through self examination rather than traditional therapy, that at the root of my "issues" is really a severe self hatred.  I always knew it was there, I just never really thought twice about it.  Everyone says they're their own toughest critic so I assumed it was normal.  I bring "toughest critic" to a new (dangerous) level.  And as hard as it may be for me to admit and accept, it isn't normal to feel the way I feel about myself.

My "issues" surfaced early in high school.  At that point my Mom said it was normal; it was just adolescents.  As things got worse she said I was just trying to get attention.  Never did she admit that there was actually a problem, and to me that translated to she just didn't give a damn.  After one of my worst incidents my Freshman year of college, I was advised by a few doctors that I shouldn't live under the same roof as my Mother, not even for the few short months of summer.  So, when I finished my Freshman year I officially moved out and things were pretty good between us after that.

Fast forward to me eloping, her not speaking to me, then her speaking to me, and coming to visit last week.  I already told the first full day wasn't really good but I guess it wasn't bad either.  Well, the next morning, things got bad.

First thing in the morning we got in a blowout.  It was stupid, but it happened.  We were about to leave for breakfast and she mentions I have dog hair on my jacket.  I respond (as I usually do if people point it out) that I have two dogs, if I tried to get every hair off of me I would drive myself insane.  Then she starts following me around plucking hairs off me making disapproving noises (sighs, tsks, etc.) as she goes.  I ask her to stop, she doesn't.  So I say/yell/beg, "Mom, just stop it!"  And she starts lecturing me on how I can't be so uptight, it isn't her fault I look like a slob.

And I kinda lost it.  She had been picking at me, both mentally and physically, since the moment she got off that damn plane.  I couldn't deal with it anymore.  So I said I was leaving.  I packed my bags, was damn near about to leave and she starts bawling and apologizing and I agree to stay.

That day sucked.  We walked around San Francisco barely talking.

We get back to the house boat and she agrees to rest until it's dinner time.  That lasts all of 20 minutes, and she wants to go shopping in the tourist-y part of Sausalito.  I really didn't want to, but whatever, I didn't want to fight either.  So we head down.  As we were approaching the shops I asked here where she wanted me to park and she responds, "I dunno..." almost like a child would.  So I pulled into a parking lot since that was the simplest option.  Then she goes, "well I'd rather you go find a space on the street!"

At this point I was thoroughly annoyed.  I didn't want to go shopping.  I definitely didn't want to drive around in circles looking for a parking space on the street just to eventually end up having to come back to the lot that I was currently in anyway.  Instead of fighting, I recommended she go shopping while I go back and rest, and when she's ready for dinner she could call me and I would come back.  Well, that didn't work for her.

She starts going on and on and on about how I'm soooooooo depressing and I need to live in the moment and it isn't her fault my husband was deployed and I chose this lifestyle so I couldn't complain (which I wasn't complaining about the Military lifestyle, I was truly just tired)...and on and on and on. And I just couldn't deal with it anymore when fight or flight kicked in.

I didn't have the emotional energy to fight with her.  She clearly does not approve of the life that I've chosen to live, but then again she never really has.  So I told her I was leaving.  She could take a cab to the airport in the morning, I couldn't do this anymore.  And I really couldn't see us having any sort of relationship since she had been nothing but hateful and judgemental towards me the whole time we were together.  She said I needed to find an ATM for her to get cash out, and instead I handed her the cash in my wallet.  Her response is still blowing my mind; she said, "well your Papa (my grandfather) will be hearing about this!"  And I almost laughed as I asked what he would do about it since we've never really been close to my Mom's side of the family.  She says, "it isn't what he will do, it's what he won't."

You see, over the past year, in an attempt to get rid of some of his liquid assets (apparently my grandfather is quite wealthy, and until a year ago I had no idea how wealthy) he has been very generous to his grand kids.  So, she was implying that if I'm not speaking to her, my grandfather will not be giving me any more monetary gifts.  This was supposed to be some sort of punishment.

I can live without gifts from my grandfather.  As much as my mom believes we can't afford to survive on The Sailor's salary alone, we can.  Yes, these gifts are nice, but they're just a bonus to us.  I can't, however, live with the constant disappointment of trying to build a relationship with a woman who I will clearly never get along with.  So I got my things and went out to my car.

In all honesty, I waited about a half hour before I left.  Deep down I was hoping she would come out to stop me, or call, or text...something.  But there was no call, no text...nothing.  That was Thursday evening, and I still haven't spoken to her.

I've talked in detail about the whole thing with my Dad and a few other people.  Honestly, under normal circumstances I don't think I would have reacted so strongly.  But I was exhausted, I'm fucking pregnant (and emotional), and yes, I am having trouble getting used to the Navy life and my husband being gone.  I don't think most people would have held that against me.  But the thing is, the things my Mother says to me, and the way she treats me is not normal.

Knowing that I was self conscious of my pregnancy-acne she still picked at it and pointed it out the entire time we were together.

When I brought up the fact that I hadn't eaten all day (on our first full day together) she basically told me I was going to be a bad mother if I couldn't be prepared for situations like that (even though I had no idea we were going out in the middle of nowhere).

While talking about breastfeeding, her exact response to me was, "Well, Amanda, you really shouldn't count on breastfeeding.  Given your history (referring to my emotional issues in the past) you'll almost definitely have post partum depression...or worse..."

The fact alone that she did not want to see where I'm living is pretty strange.

This whole thing really has me shaken up.  I'm making a conscious effort to get out of my house and do stuff in an attempt to prevent myself from falling deep into a hole that I don't want to go in.  I have cried more in the past 3 days that I have in the past 3 years, and that's including dealing with all the shit after I eloped.  My automatic mental reaction is to say that it was all my fault, I was being depressing the whole time, I am going to be a bad mother if I can't be prepared for situations like that.  But I just have to keep telling myself that it isn't true.

And I may not be the best mother ever, but dear God, I will do everything in my power to make sure that my children don't have to struggle with hating themselves every.single.day of their lives.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be really appreciated right now!

Until next time...

PS - I really just don't have anything to say about week 17 of pregnancy since most of it was just spent arguing with my Mom, so here's my belly picture:

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Just You Wait

...my three least favorite words right now, but more on that in a minute...

So yeah, my Mom's here.  And you're probably all like, "but Amanda, you crazy cat, you're on vacation, why the hell are you blogging?"  The answer is quite simple actually.  Apparently, my Mom has decided against adjusting to the different time zone and going to bed at 7 pm totally works for her.  Luckily, the house we're staying in has wi-fi and I brought my Netbook, so here I am.

Things with my Mom definitely aren't horrible, but they aren't great either.  At this point, I feel like I was just a convenient excuse for her to go on vacation.  And a super cheap chauffeur.

When she got off the plane she just kept saying she's couldn't recognize me with my "purple" (it isn't purple, it's red - there is no violet in the hair color I use) hair.  Then she talked a lot about how she's on an emotional journey.  She feels like she's lost herself.  She's trying to drink less (which is a huge deal). Things seemed good.

Then today she basically wanted to ignore the fact that I'm pregnant.  We went to a coffee shop for "breakfast" and then head out to go see the red wood trees.  It was absolutely breathtaking.

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  Not only was it gorgeous, I think my pregnancy spidey senses are kicking in, because I could smell everything so clearly, and this forest smelled so refreshing!

We did an approximately 3 mile loop through the forest and then got a water at the gift shop.

Then she wanted to drive up the coast to see a lighthouse she had read about somewhere. She said it should only take about 45 minutes to get there.  It took about an hour.  But it was the worst freaking hour of my life. This was the windiest, steepest, scariest highway I have ever driven on.  It was so narrow I thought we were gonna fall off a cliff and although my Mom claims the view was gorgeous I wouldn't know because my eyes couldn't leave the road.  Or else we would have died.  My hands are still sore from gripping my steering wheel so tightly.

After the exhausting hour long drive, we get where we're going and it's a 3/4 mile walk (up hill) to the point we wanted to go to.  This too, was absolutely gorgeous...

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Then we walk the 3/4 of a mile back down to the car and at this point it's a little past 1 in the afternoon.  We ate "breakfast" (I had a bagel and a small coffee) at 8 am and hadn't eaten since.  My mom completely forgot that I'm pregnant and having blood sugar issues and there was nowhere to get food anywhere around, so we just started the horrible drive back.

We got back to the house at about 3 and at this point I'm on the verge of passing out.  So I ask my Mom to please run to the convenient store to grab me a snack.  She made a huge deal about this, but eventually went and got me some crackers.

Originally we planned to just chill out (it had been a pretty long day so far) until we went into town to have an early dinner but she got bored and wanted to go into town and walk around.  I had no energy to fight her.  Then we get there and she wants to walk up and down the docks to look at the sail boats and when I'm not totally enthused about it she basically throws a temper tantrum about how boring I am.

I finally said, "Mom I'm pregnant, my back hurts, I feel dizzy and slightly nauseous, and I'm exhausted.  The idea of walking up and down a dock to look at sailboats does not sound appealing to me right now.  If that's what you want to do, go ahead, but I have to sit down or else I'm going to faint."  Then she huffed off while I sat and tried not to fall asleep.

By the time she got back she was in a much better mood and we went and got sushi (only the cooked stuff for me) at this really cool restaurant.

Like I said, things with my Mom aren't horrible, but they definitely aren't great either.

So, back to the title of the post - Just you wait.

Any time I complained in the slightest about anything pregnancy related, that was my Mom's answer to me.

Me - Good golly, my back is sore
Mom - hah! Just you wait!  You don't know what a sore back is until your third trimester.

Me - Gah...I hate boobs.  They hurt so bad.
Mom - hah! Just you wait!  You don't know what sore boobs are until your milk comes in.

Me - I feel like a cow.  I hate not having my normal body.
Mom - hah! Just you wait!  You can't even tell you're pregnant at this point.

I could honestly keep going, but I'll spare you.

And the thing is, I'm sure those are completely true statements, but I don't want to hear it because my back hurts now and my boobs hurt now and I feel like a fatty now.  Yes, I realize it is going to get worse, but that doesn't mean what I'm feeling right now isn't real!

But I guess I can't dwell on it, and I can only hope tomorrow will be better than today.  We're taking the ferry into the city (we're technically staying in Sausalito not San Francisco) and tomorrow night we're going to this yarn shop we stopped in before dinner today because they have a "social hour" in the evening on Thursdays and both my mom and I knit.  I'm a total dweeb for admitting this, but I'm super excited about it, lol.  And I plan on picking up some fun yarn.

Speaking of knitting, I never announced what my next (well, technically current) project for the baby is!  I'm making a stuffed elephant like this one:

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Isn't it precious!?  More on that once I actually finish it though!

Until next time...

My Mom is Coming Tomorrow

And it could go one of two ways...

Option A - she sees my fat ass, it totally sinks in I'm married and pregnant and she has a mental breakdown.

That option ends in fighting and crying. We don't want that option.

Option B - she sees my fat ass and it sinks in that she's gonna be a Grandmother!

That option ends in smiles and shopping. And her spending WAY more money than she planned and saying things like, "well, this will be part of your Christmas present" and "since I can't really throw you a shower I can spend a little extra." Then at the end of the day she'll say "don't tell your sisters I bought you all this!"

Hahaha, I'm hoping for option B.

We have been getting along really well lately, and I can almost guarantee its because she and my crazy middle sister are fighting. My mom only likes to fight with one of her daughters at a time.

And the other day I was saying when I get her from the airport she won't even recognize me - I now have red hair, bangs, I'm fat, and I have big boobs, and she goes, "and you have acne!" Thanks mom, yes, I'm still losing my battle with pregnancy acne. But then she said having a spa day is a good vacation thing to do and she'll get me an acne facial. That was music to my ears!

So, I'm not gonna be posting the next few days if at all again this week. Everyone just keep your fingers crossed for me that this trip goes smoothly!

Until next time...

Pregnancy Week 15

15 down, 25 to go!

In case you couldn't tell, I'm still not really enjoying being pregnant.  My back is killing me.  I'm super gassy.  Everyone in the world apparently doesn't think I look pregnant at all but if I even try to get into my pre-pregnancy clothes I get super depressed.

It doesn't help that last winter I went from being a size 6-8 to being a size 0-2 and being an avid What Not to Wear watcher, I got rid of all my "fat" clothes.  So all my pre-pregnancy bottoms are tiny.  They fit me really well when I was watching what I was eating, but even though I'm not eating with reckless abandon or anything, I'm certainly not dieting anymore!  Hell, when I was a size 2 all I drank was water and 1 cup of coffee a day! No soda, no juice, no Gatorade, no Vitamin Water - just water.  The added calories from my 1 glass of orange juice and the Gatorade/Vitamin Water I've been enjoying alone would make me put on weight.

I can honestly say I can't wait to get back on a diet.  How fucking weird am I?  But I think it would be irresponsible for me to start trying to lose weight seeing that I'm pregnant so I just have to wait until The Little Sea Monkey is born.

Getting back to my back pain...I finally broke down and ordered a body pillow.  I got this one:

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That thing is heaven.  I don't know why I put off buying one for so long.  If you're pregnant, and you don't have one yet - go buy one.  Even if you aren't pregnant, you should probably buy one, I'm just sayin' though...

In Mama Drama news - my Mom is not-so-subtly hinting she thinks having a baby will be the end of my marriage ("it changes everything - you're going from being a newlywed to never having a second to yourself...you never know what will happen") but if I hadn't seen those lectures coming I would have just been dumb.  Whatevs Mom!

The other night I was throwing myself a pity party about being lonely (I miss The Sailor...) and I texted my friend from Pittsburgh, Sam, and his response was, "don't worry, you'll have a baby soon.  You'll never be alone...or properly bathed...or rested."  I feel like this should have/was meant to freak me out a bit, but it totally didn't.

A) Eventually the kid will be old enough for a sitter...alone time - check!  B) They have come a long way in dry shampoo, and washing your body takes all of 30 seconds...adequate hygiene - check! C) The Sailor is somewhat of a freak of nature and can operate on next to no sleep for extended periods of time; I can honestly say I won't feel bad having him do some of the waking up in the middle of the night even though he'll be working and I technically won't...decent amounts of rest - check!

So, in two weeks my Mom is coming to visit, and once she sees my fat ass I think it'll really sink in that I actually will be giving birth to her first grandchild in April, so we'll see how that visit goes.  And then the week after that I finally get to find out the gender of this little Sea Monkey!  I'm so excited and so nervous at the same time.  I keep having nightmares dreams that the Ultrasound person tells me it's a boy, I start crying hysterically, and she tells me I'm a bad Mom for wanting a girl so bad. I don't know if these are prophetic dreams or if I'm having them because that's actually a fear of mine, but I guess we'll find out on November 8!

Until next time...

PS - instead of bogging down this post with the whole slew of pictures of me becoming a whale you can go check them all out on my Pregnancy Tab, which also has links to all my weekly updates!

Preparing for Post-Birth Visitors

Living on the opposite side of the country of your entire family really sucks when your pregnant with your first child.

For one, I'm not really getting a baby shower.  Whatevs though, I'm way over that.

What's really bugging me out is trying to plan for visitors after the baby is actually born.  As of right now, our list of visitors includes: my Mom, my Dad, Mama Simms (and perhaps her hubs), best friend from home Kim (not to be confused with Navy Wife Kim), and The Sailor's Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins.  At this point, I'm not sure if either of my sisters plan on coming out and I don't believe anyone else from our extended families are planning a trip.  That is 5 separate groups of people who are going to come out to visit once The Sea Monkey is born.

Now, I love that I'm getting support from all these people, but honestly we're not going to want more then one "set" of visitors at once; having a newborn will be overwhelming enough as is.  So, I'm trying to plan out who will come when.

The biggest wrinkle in that is - you guessed it - my Mom.  I'm lucky that things between us are much better, she's even coming out to visit for a few days in November.  But, she wants to be here when the baby is born.  Well, you can't say with any level of certainty when a baby will actually be born.  So she was planning on using "emergency" time off through her work.  Well, now she isn't sure if she can use "emergency" time off, so she might have to plan a specific trip and just hope the baby is born during it.

Now she's telling me, oops, I was scheduled to work that weekend.  I don't know if that means she can't ask for it off or what, but it's just adding another obstacle.  Add to that the fact that she can't decide how long she wants to stay, and it's totally throwing off trying to schedule everyone else to come visit!

My Dad is much easier.  When he has the money, he'll come.  Easy freaking peasy.  I have a feeling once The Sea Monkey is actually born (or once we get a lot closer) he'll start looking at finances much closer and try to plan a trip.  But for now, I'm fine with "we'll figure it out later" because I know a) if I called him and something was wrong and I said I needed him here tomorrow, he'd figure out a way, and b) if he called and said "I wanna come next week" and I said "we already have 5 bazillion people at our house, can it be in two weeks?" he'd be cool with that to.  Seriously, my Dad's an easy customer.

Mama Simms is pretty flexible too, and she says she'll come whenever I tell her to.  But she doesn't want to be here when my Mom is - historically speaking, they don't exactly get along.  Add in the way my Mom treated me when I initially got here and Mama Simms really doesn't want to see my Mom.  Now, if only my Mom would make up her damn mind as to when/how long she's coming, I could give Mama Simms a more precise window of when she should plan to come.

Then there's Kim.  She wants to be here when the baby is born.  Or at the very least within a few days of the baby being born.  I suggested she waited until school was done (she's a teacher) and she freaked.  "THE BABY HAS GOT TO SEE MY FACE SOONER THAN THAT!" She doesn't care who else is there, as long as the baby is.  So I guess she's pretty easy too, I just wish I could give her a more precise time frame as to when the little sucker is going to make their grand entrance so she could start planning the trip now.  Because if she comes out here before the baby is born and I don't go into labor before she leaves, she might have a fit.  And try to force me into labor.  And refuse to leave.  And then lose her job for not coming back.  It just wouldn't be good.

And finally we have The Sailor's aunt, uncle, and two cousins.  They're pretty cool customers like Mama Simms; they just want me to tell them when to come.  Once again, this would be much easier to accomplish if my Mom would make up her damn mind.

The whole thing is just overwhelming.  I've started putting together calendars for April and May.  My next step is to start researching statistics for when baby's are actually born based off of their due dates and then try to convince my Mom to make real plans for when she's going to come out and go from there.

How did you handle making time for everyone on the planet after you gave birth?  Seriously - I need as much help as I can get!

Until next time...

My Mom called again this morning...

And we actually talked for like 2 and a half hours.

It was awkward at first. I could almost tell she wanted to yell at me some more, but she restrained herself. She finally brought up the fact I'm pregnant and the first thing she said to me was "you know a baby is a 24/7 responsibility, right?" No...really Mom? I never realized that! After she got that off her chest she seemed to be in a much better mood, though.

She asked how I was feeling, talked about what she might want to be called, asked when I was due, etc. She actually seemed excited, which was refreshing.

She cried at one point and I had to beg her to stop before I started sobbing uncontrollably (shit, I cried watching Sex and the City yesterday, hearing my mom cry was killer). And she decided she wants to come visit. But she doesn't want to come to Lemoore (because there isn't anything to do). She wants to go to San Francisco and for me to meet her there, lol.

It sounds all good but I'm still skeptical. She has a history of being happy with you then randomly going back to hating you, so only time will tell.

Honestly, I think she's ready to move on because we're now past when my wedding to my ex was scheduled. See, my wedding with my ex was planned for 9.10.11 (or this past Saturday). Apparently she spent last week in Maine with her boyfriend and now I guess she's ready to move on!

Hopefully things will continue to move in a positive direction, but only time will tell.

Until next time...

PS - in case you forgot, my first ultrasound is tomorrow...keep your fingers crossed that everything on there is ok!

The Mama Drama Saga Continues...

Oh Lordy you guys. This is not how I wanted to start my week. Originally I was planning to post about my recent Craigslist hunting adventures and my plans to refinish some of my finds. But then the unthinkable happened...my Mom called.

So, this morning I called my mom with no answer - story of my last week. But, seeing as there was this little storm on the East coast this past weekend, I dunno if you heard about it or not...Hurricane Irene (lol, if you haven't heard of it you must live under a rock)...I decided to send her a text message that basically said "hope you're ok post-hurricane."

Well, about an hour after I sent my message, I was about to go through my Google Reader (Monday mornings are the best blog-wise) when my phone rang, and much to my dismay it was my Mother.

I think when I saw her little picture pop up on my cell I experienced my first heart palpatation. I might have thrown up a little in my mouth. I instantly wanted to throw my phone and go hide. But I did the adult thing, and I answered...

(For the purposes of this dialog I am A {for Amanda} and my Mom is M)

A- Hello? (Imagine a normal phone-answering intonation)
M- Amanda? It's your mother.
A- I know Mom, I still have caller ID
M- Well, I survived the storm just fine...

:: cue about 5 minutes of storm related chat ::

M- I just don't understand why you would just take off like this.
A- I don't really know how to answer that, but Mom, I really am happy.

:: cue about 5 minutes of you're-so-selfish lectures ::

M- so is he going to be deployed at all?
A- yeah, he's in school right now and he'll be flown out to the ship once he's done in the end of September
M- when will he be back?
A- the middle of February.
M- so you're gonna be by yourself for all the holidays this year?
A- well, I'll probably celebrate thanksgiving with a few of the other wives on base and I might go to North Carolina for Christmas. I dunno yet though. I am planning on coming home in October though.
M- well you know Sister K is living with me now.
A- yeah, I heard.
M- so you can't stay with me
A- I was planning on staying with Kim (best friend from high school) or Dad.
M- well, don't expect to come to my house, Sister K won't want to see you after what you did.
A- ummmm, ok...

:: cue her going off on how selfish, stupid, horrible in general I am ::

Honestly, I don't know what set her off. I'm not going to repeat the things she said to me because honestly they were just hurtful. I didn't react, I just held my tongue and waited for it to end. By the time she was done (she ended the conversation with "enjoy your life of leisure") I was pretty choked up and it was hard to get out "ok, talk to you later" without crying.

She never brought up the fact that I'm pregnant, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna. Part of me wants to hope that she feels better getting all that off her chest and next time we speak it'll be better, but I'm not that naive. I mean, she basically told me she didn't want to see me if/when I come home.

I texted my best friend from Pittsburgh, Sam, after I got off the phone and just said my mom called. He responded "Uh oh... Did she have anything interesting to say?" I told him what I just told you, and in true Sam fashion he was able to cheer me up when he said "HA! Did you remind her that you have the most functional family in your entire clan right now? hahaha"

It sucks. I cried. A lot. I've never wanted a cigarette as badly as I've wanted it since hanging up (damn you growing fetus!). But life will go on. For now I'm gonna go eat some ice cream (yes at 9 am) and watch Regis and Kelly.

Until next time...

More Mama Drama

So, I told my Dad I was pregnant and he was more concerned about me making a trip home than the baby currently growing in my uterus. Then I called my mom, and she ignored me, again...So, I decided to tell my sister - I mean, at least she is talking to me (Sister R not crazy Sister K). So I told her. And she told my Mom and crazy Sister K.  And my mom is still ignoring me!!!!!

Seriously woman!?!? You find out your youngest daughter is pregnant with your first grandchild and you still won't talk to her? And don't even try to give me crap about how I should have been the one to tell her...I fucking tried. I called every day for 5 days and she ignored me.

Mleh. I'm just so peeved. And now Sister R is saying she's "worried" about me. Won't tell me why though. I get that its probably weird to have your baby sister get married and pregnant before you, but I'm not a baby. I've lived on my own for almost 4 years now. I haven't "lived" anywhere near my family for over 6 years! To say that I'm independent would be an understatement. Everyone outside of my family constantly comment on how I don't act like I'm 23. And its like she doesn't believe me that we wanted this!

Yup, this was a completely planned pregnancy. I guess for some that's hard to believe, but its true...so, believe it!

I'm just so sick of them. The way they're acting is just reaffirming why I didn't want them involved with my wedding. These women are nothing but drama 24/7!!!

Ok, I think that's enough venting for now. I feel like this is a backwards "road to recovery." Isn't it usually anger, then sadness, then acceptance? I think I went anger, sadness, now back to anger. I guess I'll get to acceptance eventually...

On a happier note I've been compulsively looking at nursery decor. Right now my favorite (for a girl - fingers crossed) is jungle bedding with a neutral zebra rug, the coolest giraffe wall decal ever and super pale neutral walls. The bedding set pictured below is from overstock (you can see a larger version on my pinterest board - http://pinterest.com/navy_wife/nursery-ideas/ - as well as other nursery inspiration) and comes with a classic bumper. Well, in case you didn't hear, bumpers kill babies. No, seriously, they have been found to lead to suffocation. But instead of just tossing it, I would turn it into throw pillows or other decor! What do you think of my inspiration so far?

Until next time...

Dear Mom,

I know my choices hurt you, and I can't apologize enough for that.

But I still exist, and I'm still your daughter!

I didn't plan to hurt you with my decisions, it didn't even cross my mind. But what you're doing right now - ignoring me completely - is an intentional jab at me.

You know I'm on the other side of the country, and yet you don't even care to hear if I'm ok or not, and it hurts me more than you have ever hurt me before.

I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be, but you're acting as if you don't want to move past this, and you don't want to have any sort of relationship with me. And if that's how its going to be, eventually I'll have to stop calling because that rejection is just too much to handle.

I hope you'll eventually realize that I do still need my mom in my life. I love you.

Love Always,
Amanda

Yeah...that's not a real letter to my mom, I just had to get that off my chest. I told my Dad I'm pregnant this morning and he's shocked, but happy for me, and is just dying for me to make a trip back home (which I hope to start planning once we're more settled here, probably after The Sailor deploys).

Whether my mom ever comes around or not, I just have to remember that there are people out there that love me. I'm lucky to have a Father who is being supportive despite my choices, and  my pseudo-mom, Mama Simms, has offered to fly out when the baby is born. And honestly, I have never met more caring and supportive people than The Sailor's family - they're honestly the best.

I just need to continue to focus on the positive, not the negative, even though that's easier said than done. And even though I'd love to say fuck it and just stop reaching out to my mother, that will never happen. I've said it once and I'll say it again - we may not have the best relationship, but she's still my mom, and I can't just let that go.

And I just wanted to thank everyone who reads my blog and leaves me such supportive comments. You guys are seriously the best - hopefully as time goes on my blog will become less depressing!

Until next time...

I'm afraid...

...that I'll never mend my relationship with my family.

And that in turn my baby will never have a proper relationship with their Grandparents and Aunts.

My father is speaking to me, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he hasn't forgiven me, but that's better than my mother who won't even talk to me.

Some of my best memories growing up were with my grandparents. Easter at my Nana's house where we would have an Easter egg hunt around the pond in back. Riding bikes up and down the canal with my Pa during summer vacation. Going to Disney World with my Gram and Papa.

And I just feel like I've stolen all those experiences from my baby by making the choices I've made in the past few months. How can you feel like a bad mom before you've even had your baby?

I don't want to take that away from my children but I really don't know how to fix it. I can't go back in time and change how I did things. But I feel like they will never forgive me.

I wrote a letter to my mom tonight, now I just have to get the balls to mail it. Once I suck it up and send it I'll call my Dad to tell him. I feel like that might be the most awkward conversation ever.

God damnit I hate how emotional I've been lately. I'm probably so thirsty because I cry so much (which is quite out of character for me) - I'm losing too much fluids in my tears.

Until next time...

PS - this picture was me when I was about 5 years old. It has always been my Mom's favorite picture of me; it was back when I was her pride and joy, her little star...her baby. It was the picture she chose to put in my senior yearbook when she said she was so proud of everything I had accomplished. I wish she could remember those things, not just everything I've done wrong...

I called my Mom this morning...

...because I thought I was ready to talk about everything with her (if you're just tuning in, go read the post titled Consequences and this post will make more sense). She ignored the call. Yeah, it totally cut to voicemail in the middle of the third ring. I may not have been the best daughter in the past few weeks/months, but that still stings.

Especially since I was hoping the conversation would go better than expected and I would tell her I'm pregnant. I guess the Gods didn't think we were ready for that. I don't particularly like the woman, or how she's treated me for most of my life, but she's still my mom!  I'm gonna go pout for a while now.

Until next time...