My Greatest Fear

...is that I'll turn into my Mother.

It's no secret that my Mother is unpredictable, to say the least, and I'm honestly terrified that I will end up being a mother like her.  The fact of the matter is, as horrible is she is when things are bad, she's just as amazing when things are good.  There's just no middle ground with her.  We either aren't speaking or she's showering me with love and gifts.  Exhibit A - my Christmas present from her...

Source

Yes, that is a Coach purse.  The Madison Quilted Chevron Nylon Sophia Satchel.  It costs $368.  It is a very generous gift, and I love it.  But it's just a reminder of how unpredictable my Mother is since 2 weeks ago we weren't even speaking.

And I know that I am equally emotionally unstable, to be blunt.

My emotional state is about as predictable as the weather.  I may be able to tell you there's a storm coming, but until it's over no one will really be able to say how much snow is gonna fall.  And I'm just hoping that since I know and accept this about myself that I won't turn into her.

I don't want my kids to have to worry "which Mom" they will be dealing with on a day to day basis.  Shit, I don't want anyone to have to worry "which Amanda" they will have to be dealing with, and I've always made a conscious effort to recognize my emotional state and react accordingly to it.

The past few days have been pretty tough for me.  Spending Christmas without any family can mess with your head.  And since I'm a hormonal mess anyway, I've been crying stressing about everything under the sun.  It's Christmas and I'm all alone.  We don't have enough money and babies need so much stuff.  I don't want to become my Mother.  How can I be feeling sorry for myself with The Sailor is stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean?  What if I can't handle a baby and two dogs.  Fuck, what if I can't hand a baby, period.  I feel so fat.  Why the hell am I worrying about what I look like right now, I have way better things to worry about! ...and I could totally keep going, but I'll spare you.  Instead, I'm gonna go continue this pity party on my own with an Italian Ice!

Until next time...