Mleh. I feel like a bad Mom-to-be.
First of all, why does it seem like every pregnant woman out there can "just tell" what they're having before a doctor tells them but I have no flipping idea? Seriously, I don't have an inkling in either direction. I don't have dreams where the sex of the baby is obvious in any way. I don't have any sort of gut instinct. I seriously have no idea. But shit, neither did the ultrasound lady at my last appointment!
And on top of that, I don't like being pregnant. No I haven't gotten sick like some women do (and I feel horrible for them) but I just don't enjoy it. Yeah, it's cool in the morning when I'm cleaning the kitchen and singing Kings of Leon along with my iPod and I realize The Sea Monkey might be able to sorta hear me since it can hear now (and it's much more likely that a fetus will hear the mother than outside noises). Then I feel bad for my Sea Monkey cuz I have a horrible singing voice. But I don't like it.
I want my body back. Really bad. Sure, it's cool not dieting, but I would start dieting again and get my body back if that were okay. But its not. I also want to actually be able to work out. I have a pretty low resting heart rate, but as soon as I start working out it spikes. Pre-pregnancy it was not uncommon for my heart rate to sit at around 175 for the majority of a workout. It was completely normal for it to spike up to the 190s a couple times throughout a workout. This isn't good for growing fetuses. Depending on what you read, the general consensus is keep your heart rate around 140 during pregnancy workouts. For me, that's walking. Maybe jogging for a few minutes occasionally Eff that dude! So, I bring the dogs on multiple walks a day, but I want to actually work out. I want to do a Turbo Fire workout, and sweat, and be short of breath, and feel like I actually accomplished something at the end of it.
I also want sushi. A nice spicy tuna roll - yummmm. Then I want to eat a medium rare steak. Nice and bloody. And have a Wild Berry Mojito from Applebee's. And just not worry about every.little.thing that I put into my body. And be able to go to Starbucks and order a Venti iced coffee with skim milk and mocha syrup. And drink the whole thing. Caffeine and all. And maybe be a little jittery after the fact, but also be super productive for like an hour. Then take a nap. Because that's what Starbucks does to me.
And I'd like to be able to take on as many DIY projects I want without people drilling me about whether or not I should be using spray paint. I do it outside. With a flipping mask on. Leave me alone. And I'd like to be able to go to Home Depot to get some normal paint for a project without almost throwing up then passing out in the bathroom. Yeah, that totally happened yesterday. Okay, so I didn't 100% pass out, but I completely blacked out, turned white, got freezing cold but starting sweating profusely. Thanks hormones, that was so sweet of you. I love sitting on the floor in a public restroom in near tears by myself.
It is completely normal to get light headed or even faint in early pregnancy. Since I felt better right after, I decided to just take it easy for the rest of the day instead of seeking medical attention. Plus I have another OB appointment tomorrow, so I'll be able to talk to my doctor about it.
Then, after going through all the things I hate about being pregnant, I feel horrible. I'm so lucky that we were able to get pregnant with so much ease. I'm so lucky that I haven't gotten super sick. I realize how lucky we really are. But that doesn't change the fact that I, personally, don't really enjoy being pregnant. Maybe I'll feel differently once my belly pops and I look cute instead of just chubby. Or once my skin clears up completely (it is getting better - whether it's the Proactiv or just the fact that I'm out of my first trimester, we'll never know). Or maybe once we find out whether The Sea Monkey is a boy or a girl so I can really start planning/decorating/shopping and I can feel more connected to the baby.
Or maybe I'll never feel better. Maybe I'll just never enjoy being pregnant. And I'll feel bad about it every step of the way. But that won't matter once I have the baby (and can workout, and diet, and eat whatever the hell I want).
Did you love being pregnant, or did you dislike it like me? Any advice at all?
Until next time...