I'm afraid...

...that I'll never mend my relationship with my family.

And that in turn my baby will never have a proper relationship with their Grandparents and Aunts.

My father is speaking to me, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he hasn't forgiven me, but that's better than my mother who won't even talk to me.

Some of my best memories growing up were with my grandparents. Easter at my Nana's house where we would have an Easter egg hunt around the pond in back. Riding bikes up and down the canal with my Pa during summer vacation. Going to Disney World with my Gram and Papa.

And I just feel like I've stolen all those experiences from my baby by making the choices I've made in the past few months. How can you feel like a bad mom before you've even had your baby?

I don't want to take that away from my children but I really don't know how to fix it. I can't go back in time and change how I did things. But I feel like they will never forgive me.

I wrote a letter to my mom tonight, now I just have to get the balls to mail it. Once I suck it up and send it I'll call my Dad to tell him. I feel like that might be the most awkward conversation ever.

God damnit I hate how emotional I've been lately. I'm probably so thirsty because I cry so much (which is quite out of character for me) - I'm losing too much fluids in my tears.

Until next time...

PS - this picture was me when I was about 5 years old. It has always been my Mom's favorite picture of me; it was back when I was her pride and joy, her little star...her baby. It was the picture she chose to put in my senior yearbook when she said she was so proud of everything I had accomplished. I wish she could remember those things, not just everything I've done wrong...