So now I'm going to be incredibly honest with you guys. I could ask you not to judge me for how I feel, but I'm sure plenty of you will. And eff you for that. Because in my opinion, there are three types of expectant mothers/parents out there...1) They honestly don't care if they have a boy or a girl, they will truly be happy either way. 2) They say they don't really care but they do; they are just liars. 3) The people who openly admit that they really care and they get a bunch of crap from a bunch of people. I'm in group three.
I want a girl more than anything. Seriously, words cannot describe how much I wanted a little baby girl. I am a girl's girl through and through. I am not kidding when I say I won't even know what to do with a little boy. When I was getting my ultrasound and she got that clear shot of the baby's nether-region she asked if I knew what that was. I sighed. She looked at me, almost as if to say, "well, do you?" And I admitted out loud to myself that it was, in fact, a boy.
Honestly, I think I held it together pretty well in that moment. Literally all of my plans (names, nursery ideas, extra curricular activities, the list goes on and on) were coming crashing down, and I managed to just sit there. Until the actual doctor came in and the ultrasound lady had to stop what she was doing to show the doc that all the necessary bits were there. When we got to the genitalia issue, doc goes, "oh good! This is the first baby boy I've seen all week." And I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't sob or anything (thankfully), but I did clearly have tears streaming down my face.
When I got into the car, I sobbed. So much emotion just came pouring out of me. I emailed The Sailor, and all I said was, "We're having a boy. He's healthy." And I started driving home, crying the whole way.
I had told The Sailor I wouldn't tell anyone else until I knew for sure he had gotten the email. I did, however, pull myself together enough to send him some ultrasound pictures...
Isn't the eyeball the creepiest thing you've ever seen?
The Sailor was very sweet about the whole thing. As much as I know he was pumped, he was considerate to the fact that he knew how disappointed I was. And almost everyone else that I talked to who knew that I had really wanted a girl said something along the lines of, "well, hopefully next time you'll have a girl." The problem with that is, I'm not sure if I want there to be a "next time."
I had always planned on having two kids, but I really don't think I can go through this again. The idea of getting pregnant, getting fat, breaking out, and being in physical pain all day just to be told that once again my dreams of a daughter are crushed makes me want to vomit. And, I can honestly say I don't think I could handle having two sons.
Boys are messy and rambunctious. Yes, girls have attitude and people say they're more expensive, but I know I can handle that. I honestly do not know if I can handle boys. And I'm absolutely terrified.
Then when I tell people that, they all say something along the lines of, "you'll probably change your mind; you're going to love being the Mom to a little boy." But how can they know that? The honest to God truth is, they don't. And as much as I'd love to convince myself they're right, I know better. I grew up in a house with only women (my father moved out when I was 4), I was a camp counselor at an all girls camp, but honestly my interaction with boys is minimal. I want to go to ballet recitals, not football games. I want a child I can teach to knit, and sew, and craft in general, most little boys would down right say, "no, that's what girls do."
I have been legitimately torn up over this whole thing. I have no idea what I want to do with the nursery any more. There really aren't any boys names that stand out to me. When I look at baby boy clothes and stuff I can't help but let my eye wander towards the little girl stuff instead. And I feel horrible for it.
The only person who made me feel even remotely better about it was my Dad. I knew he would be excited; all he ever wanted was a son and he got stuck with three daughters and two step-daughters. Poor guys has been surrounded by women his whole life. As soon as I told him he started joking about teaching him how to smoke cigars and drive an excavator. Then he remembered I'm on the other side of the flipping country. And any excitement he had faded away. Because we both know my Dad really won't get to see the baby that often because it is a long and expensive flight home.
For those first 24 hours, I kept staring at ultrasound pictures trying to get excited again, but it just wasn't happening.
He's trying to "raise the roof"
I hope no one who has a son takes any offense to this post. It isn't anything against little boys in general, it's more so something against me. This is just who I am. I just hope everyone who says I'll get excited again eventually is right, or else the next five months are really gonna suck. But, on the bright side, I'm at a serious low right now between the shiznat that went down with my Mom and this news, so things can really only go up from here!
Until next time...
I can't forget to share my belly picture for this week. Remember, to see the whole progression of photos, you can go to the Pregnancy Tab here!