Sunday, July 31, 2011

Consequences

I'm not the best at writing about emotion. Step by step instructions - heck yes. Facts - you know it. Witty/sarcastic humor - I'd like to think so. Uncut emotion - not so much. But I'm gonna try.

I don't know if any of you caught on or not, but I legit ran away. I basically told my two best friends and a woman who's been more of a mother to me than my biological mother for almost a decade (I'll call her Mama Simms from now on). That's right, I didn't tell my family.

I let them know I was safe, but that was it. They didn't know I ever left Pittsburgh and they had no idea I got married. They also had no clue I was driving across the country to move to California. Until today.

I emailed my Mom and two sisters this morning. I know, I know totally insensitive. But I didn't want to deal with the inevitable. I still hadn't thought of a way to tell my Dad, he's not much of a computer guy, but I figured I'd tell him later when I got the guts.

Well, the first thing my middle sister (from now on known as K) did was called my dad. Then he called me and left me a voicemail telling me he was disappointed in me for not telling him myself. At that point I knew I had to call him, so I did.

And he cried. It was heart breaking. I'm his youngest daughter and first to get married and I didn't include him. He kept saying he wishes I was closer. And it made me feel horrible.

We finally got off the phone and I had like six texts from K. She wad tearing me a new one. I'm so irresponsible. I'm so selfish. I'm ruining everyone's lives again (I have no idea when I last ruined everyone's lives). I kept saying K, you wonder why I didn't tell you guys or include you?

And she just wouldn't stop. So I blacklisted her number on my phone so I wouldn't see any more messages from her.  Apparently she did not understand that I took off because of psychotic, guilt tripping outbursts like this.

See, K and I have a HORRIBLE relationship. She came down to Pittsburgh once to visit and the trip basically went like this...K took some extra adderal, we went out, she drank too much, on the way back from the bar she was asking random people on the street if they had any weed, then when I ran out to get cigarettes and when I got back she freaked out on me and started trying to punch me in the face.

And to say that Dad didn't deserve what I was doing to him is insane. I never got taken from my boyfriend's house in the middle of the night by the cops and brought to the hospital for a psych evaluation and call him at 3 am to come pick me up telling him we need to go kill my (ex) boyfriend (who is 15 years older than me and was my track coach in high school).  Nope, I never did anything like that, but K did. You guessed it, K did just that.

Then my oldest sister, R, texted me and just said "Congrats" and I said thanks, and that was the end of it. And I still haven't spoken to my mother. Needless to say, we have a seriously unhealthy relationship and I don't plan on speaking to her anytime soon.

Then I was sitting there with Gabby, thinking about how horrible I felt for hurting my Dad. I really should have included him, he is my father after all. Then I realized something, my Dad has never made an effort to include me in his life (my parents divorced when I was 5).

Quickly after the divorce my dad moved in with the most horrible woman on earth, we'll call her Satan. At Satan's house my sisters and I had to share the guest room, I slept on the floor. Satan would invite me to go shopping with her and her two daughters and then just make me carry their clothes for them.

When I was in middle school I brought an inflatable chair and some stuffed animals to "my" room in their new house (it was really the guest room) and Satan threw it away once I left.

I had some issues my freshman year of college with my mom, to the point where I wasn't comfortable living with her so I planned to live with my Dad. But when I got there and was trying to find a place to put my stuff Satan looked at me and said "there really just isn't enough room here for another person." This broke my heart, especially when I told my Dad, she denied it, and he took her side. In the end I went to live with Mama Simms and her family. They converted their office to a bedroom for me, got me my own bed, and even painted the room purple. I think its obvious why I've kept her in the loop throughout this!

So why the hell should I feel bad?  I have my mother whom multiple therapists have advised me to minimize my contact with her for my own emotional well-being, my father who has never made an effort to include me in his life, a psycho sister, and a sister who I've never really had any sort of relationship with. Why would I want to let them in my life anymore when they've never done anything but bring me down.

I spent a decent amount of time today crying. First because I felt bad. Then because I felt bad for myself (after thinking about all that crap I just told you) and then I realized how lucky I am. I'm married to the most amazing man in the world and I actually got a chance to change my life.

I don't know what the moral of the story is, and odds are this isn't the end of this story. I do know that I can't waste my time feeling bad for my decisions or for the life I used to have, I just need to focus on how lucky I am for the life I have now. If you actually read this whole post, thanks, I know it was a lot and although I appreciate what I have I still need all the support I can get.

Until next time...

3 comments:

  1. Oh Amanda. I'm so sorry they are giving you a hard time. You are right. You have to live for you and not focus on the past. Not too many people get a second chance with a clean slate, so use it to its full advantage! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry they are being so hard on you. You need to do what's best for you. Take advantage of this new chapter in your life and don't let their negativity bring you down.

    Thankfully my relationship with my family has improved in the last few years, but there was a point in time when I found out a family member had stolen my ID, $300 from my bank account and gotten a speeding ticket in my name. Once I found out and was going to clear my name, other family members threatened to disown me and cut me off from the family altogether.

    Family can be amazing, but they can also suck too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aww I really wish you moved to AR! It's like we're related or something!

    I am really sorry that you had to go through all of that. But trust me that amazing man you are married to is going to make it all better. Well what he can and he'll make whats to come much much better. Mine did.

    Big hugs!! Enjoy Cali for me!!

    ReplyDelete

I always love getting some blog love...

 

Template by BloggerCandy.com | Header Image by Freepik